


No Body, No Crime

by aquaticsnails



Category: Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Day At The Beach, M/M, Murder, Recreational Drug Use, Road Trips, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Spring Break, This Fic Has Everything, Weekend Update, i just love stefon, i love stefon, seths gf dies oops, snl, to kill her?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-24 13:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquaticsnails/pseuds/aquaticsnails
Summary: Seth and his girlfriend had another fight. This one, though, was their last.When Stefon gets a text from Seth saying to come over, he sure didn't expect this.The only solution? A vacation.
Relationships: Seth Meyers & Stefon, Seth Meyers/Stefon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am so obsessed w Stefon !!! this cant be healthy here have this
> 
> TW: drug use, domestic violence

Seth Meyers stood in the hall of his apartment, paralyzed by shock. 

This couldn’t be real. No, no, no. He was a good guy. Just a talk show host. He made people smile, entertained them. He was nice. Not a villain! Not a… killer.  
The still body of his girlfriend on the floor beneath him suggested otherwise.

No. Seth wasn’t a cold blooded murderer. This hadn’t been intentional; maybe Seth had recently discovered that he wasn’t too into the whole “girl”friend thing, but he’d never wanted to hurt Alice. 

The events of the night flashed through his mind. 

Rather than go out with the writers, after taping was over, Seth had selected a quiet night in. He picked up two bottles of cheap red on the way home, and ordered pizza for him and Alice.

After one too many glasses of wine, she began mumbling about what she wanted to do at the beach on their spring break trip. There were scuba classes available, and jet skis for rent. Oh, and the resort had called; they’d overbooked the single-bed suites, so they were being upgraded to a double, she informed Seth. He’d laughed, then joked about bringing Stefon along after all, knowing Alice had seen the show earlier.

The passive joy drained from Alice’s face, replaced by a hot, alcohol-fueled anger. “It’s always about that little freak with you!” she accused, standing up from the couch. “It’s fucking weird, Seth. That tweaked out club kid doesn’t give a damn about you, don’t you realize? He’s playing with you. He doesn’t know you like I do. He doesn’t love you like I do.” 

Seth stiffened. This wasn’t the first time she’d gotten… upset like this. Despite how they presented themselves to the world, the perfect couple, made for the red carpet, she could be… possessive. Cruel, even. Still, he’d stayed; it wasn’t always bad. She was usually the same bubbly, cool girl he remembered from the day he met. But sometimes, when she’d had too much to drink, when his jokes went too far…

She dropped her wine glass. It shattered on the hardwood floor. This was one of those times indeed.

As she picked up a jagged shard of glass, he leapt up, vaulting over the couch. “Baby, please, I was only kidding--”

“Oh, you think this is funny!?” she shouted, following him away from the living room. “I’m just some kind of joke to you, right? And I’m just supposed to be okay with you hoeing around with that creep--” Seth flinched at the mention of Stefon. Alice noticed, her eyes steeling over. She lunged.

It wasn’t intentional. Just reflexes. In the moment, fear had made Seth forget how much smaller she was. He parried to the right, reaching out and slamming her head into the wall. 

Oh, shit.

She wasn’t breathing.

He was frozen for a few minutes, breathless and heartbroken, He hadn’t loved her, not really, but this… it was too terrible for words 

As his heartbeat slowed, he thought of the show. To kill her!? Goddamnit, Stefon. This was all because of him, his stupid jokes about getting with Seth.  
No, this wasn’t Stefon’s fault. This was inevitable.

As he weighed his options, Seth realized the club kid may actually be the solution.

-

Stefon was in the bathroom at Maaarrry?, waiting for Shy to finish his latest piece, when his phone buzzed. Who could it be at this hour? Seth?! Oh, what a treat! 

Stefon opened up the message, which read, “Need you to come to my place ASAP. Don’t tell anyone.” He smirked. This was getting better by the minute.

Stefon bid farewell to Shy, saying he was going home with a friend of DJ Baby Bok Choy, and rushed out the door. He got a cab to Seth’s (how he knew his address isn’t important), paid entirely in dimes, and minutes later, knocked on the oak door. 

“Hey Seth Meyers, you’re looking goo--” Seth pulled Stefon inside, bolting the door behind him. “Well, aren’t we eager--” 

Seth gave Stefon a glare that silenced him. “Stefon, we’re not having sex.” “You’re right, Seth Meyers, seeing as we’re both fully dressed and standing a foot apart. Very observant.” Seth ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “No, that’s not-- you have to promise you’ll never tell anyone about what’s about to happen.” “Don’t worry, Stefon never kisses and tells,” he replied, grinning mischievously. 

“Stefon, I killed my girlfriend.” 

Well. As tempting as it was to express his delight, Stefon forced himself to drop his smile. 

“I know I shouldn’t’ve called you, gotten you involved. I’m so sorry. I am. I just don't know what to-- know anyone else who would be able to-- I--.” Tears stung Seth’s eyes. “I have to get rid of her body.” 

Stefon tried to process how the hell his pet TV host had found it in him to do any of this as Seth collapsed in his arms. “I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t. She--” Stefon shushed him, moving them over to the couch. He could see drops of blood peeking out from the hallway. “I know. I know.”

Truthfully, Stefon had known. Seth had tried to hide it, but Stefon paid too much attention to him not to notice the flashes of fear in Seth’s eyes when Alice appeared on set, not to overhear the makeup artist gossiping about how Seth had shown up already wearing concealer. Stefon was no stranger to these things. Club kids weren’t known for having had the healthiest childhoods. 

While successfully preventing Stefon from being overwhelmed by the night’s events, the drugs were making it hard to focus on how to handle this. Seth’s crying wasn’t helping, either. But… the hardwood floors were good. Cleanable. The walls were conveniently a seductive shade of dark mauve, so a couple layers of paint should take care of that. Alice was pretty small, and dead people don’t mind being folded up… as admittedly upsetting as it was, an industrial trash bag should do.  
“Seth… you said we were going on a beach trip?” Blessed be maritime law. 

Seth was too upset to function for the rest of the night, so Stefon cleaned up the situation, humming to himself, inattentive tears on his cheeks. He put Seth to bed, resisting the urge to join him, then made a sandwich before crashing on the couch. 

-

Seth woke up in bed, blissfully unaware of last night’s events for a single second until they flooded him. He lay, paralyzed, until he heard Stefon opening cupboards. As much as he wanted to lay in bed forever, he’d dragged Stefon into this, and owed it to him to try to function.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Stefon crowed, cracking some eggs onto a pan. “There’s no gentle way to put this. The time is currently noon, and Stefon did a bunch of molly last night, which means we have about four hours before I start feeling really terrible! We’re going to go to the beach, and we need to leave before then. You’ll drive. I’ll have Shy forge a note from Alice saying she’s leaving you, and put it here. We’ll drop Alice and her stuff 15 miles off the coast.”

Seth slumped against a stool in the kitchen, processing what he’d just heard. Well, he’d been right; Stefon did know how to get rid of a body. Stefon soon extended a plate of eggs (which were… orange?), but Seth declined, unable to eat. He got up to pack his stuff.

They climbed into Seth’s swanky blue convertible two hours later. It was an 11 hour trip between New York and Myrtle Beach, and Stefon immediately began fiddling with the stereo. They made an early stop for snacks, as Stefon insisted on needing blue gatorade, hot cheetos, cigarettes and benadryl to embrace his impending comedown.

When they got back in the car, he turned to Seth, whispering, “In about an hour I’m going to be in absolute agony, so I’m gonna go ahead and tell you now-- you’re going to be alright, Seth Meyers. I saw what Alice was doing to you, and I’m not saying this is breezy, but I’ve seen people do worse things to better people, and you didn’t mean to hurt her. You’re a good person. You’re safe now, and I’m going to make this go away.” 

Seth gripped the steering wheel. “Stefon… thank you. For this. For caring about me. I… you’re amazing, I hope you know that.”

“Of course I am. Just keep that same energy when I’m begging you to run me over later. Actually, while we’re alone, I can think of a few other things I’d like to beg you for,” Stefon deadpanned, licking his teeth. Despite himself, Seth smiled a bit. 

The drive was uneventful, and soon Stefon became sulky, leaving Seth to deal with his thoughts. Truthfully, after the initial shock, he found himself almost relieved. 

He knew it was an awful thing to think, that he should be grief stricken. But never again would he have to walk on eggshells. He wouldn’t have to be so careful with his phrasing, so mindful of his movements. Here, with Stefon, he was… free.

Until, as he coasted through Virginia, a bit spaced out and going way too fast, flashing lights appeared behind him. Shit.

Stefon, zooted on Benadryl, chimed, “In case you didn’t know, her body’s in the truck. Choose your words wisely.” Shit.

Seth rolled down the window, hands on the wheel, trying to swallow his nerves. “Good evening, officer.”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Stop shaking, stop shaking. “Um. I think so, officer, but could you specify?”

“Speeding. License and registration, please.”

The interaction carried on as expected. Seth was almost certain he was about to get off with a warning when Stefon pushed open his door and puked. Great. 

The cop frowned, now wary of Seth’s evident nervousness. “Mind if I take a peek in the trunk real quick?”

Stefon sprung back to life, leaning towards the window. “You can search my trunk any time, officer. Just buy me dinner first, kay?”

Flustered, the cop mumbled a nevermind, have a nice evening, and turned away. 

“Jesus, that was close,” mumbled Seth, starting the ignition. “Why won’t God let me die?” Stefon sighed, covering his face with his hands. 

When they got to the resort, Stefon sat on Seth’s suitcase, moping, as Seth went to talk to the front desk lady. “I have a reservation for Meyers,” he announced. “Perfect. Also, I know we’d discussed upgrading you to a two-bedroom. We had a cancellation, so there is a one-bedroom available, if you’d prefer it.” The bored woman cast a glance to Stefon, who was poking a Monstera plant.

Seth didn’t know what made him do it. Didn’t even know what the words would be until they came out of his mouth. “The one bedroom will work, thanks.”


	2. Sailing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having arrived at the beach, it's time to deal with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok a couple things  
> i love taylor swift  
> also just realized in the weekend update seth said they were going to mexico no the beach oops rip  
> and i just watched barry dfghjkjhg bill hader >>>

As the door clicked open, Stefon trudged into the suite behind Seth, trying to ignore his headache. The place was much swankier than the cheap rooms he was used to, that was for sure. A suede couch faced a flatscreen, behind which two large windows offered a view of the beach. There was a small kitchenette to the left, and to the right, a door… to a single bedroom. “Seth Meyers, it looks like there’s only one bed, what a twist!” he chirped. Seth, tired from driving, just replied, “I’ll take the couch.”

Considering it was nearly 3 am, both men went to sleep immediately, Seth indeed on the couch.

Stefon woke up late in the morning, feeling much better than the night before. He enjoyed a cigarette on the balcony before returning inside to shower. When he emerged, finally differing from his usual attire in a buttoned shirt patterned with flamingos (he hadn’t had time to go home to get clothes at any point, and was borrowing Seth’s), Seth was brewing coffee. 

“This place has everything! A bed, good water pressure, and a hot guy who makes you coffee!” Stefon exclaimed. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Are those my clothes?” Seth replied. “No, Seth Meyers, I snuck into your house three weeks ago, took pictures of all your outfits, bought identical ones with all that money I don’t have, then teleported to my trash can at some point to pick them up yesterday. Can we go to Wal-mart later?” Seth chuckled, pouring two mugs of coffee. “Yes, because we don’t have cream or sugar, which is practically criminal.” “Seth Meyers, I didn’t think you had any problem with criminal,” Stefon added, regretting his comment as soon as a stormy frown appeared on Seth’s face.

At that moment, the pair snapped back to reality; they weren’t carefree lovers on vacation, they were a killer and an accomplice, here on business. 

In reality, Stefon wasn’t phased by Alice’s death. She’d completely deserved it. Stefon had seen the shard of glass in her hand when he’d been… packaging her. It was truly self defense. Stefon had seen much crueler things than this. 

What Stefon was more concerned about was the legal repercussions. While he had evaded drug charges and traffic tickets through shallow flirtations, Seth was famous, and, by association, Alice’s death wouldn’t fly under the radar. So, they had to get rid of the body today, in the ocean, and make it look like she left Seth.

No body, no crime. 

“Seth Meyers, we need a boat,” Stefon declared. “A big one. Fancy, and private.” 

-

Figuring that, while the “fancy” criteria may be insignificant, Stefon was the professional, Seth found a same-day boat rental company online and booked one for the evening. 

Next, he and Stefon decided to venture to Wal-Mart.

“Yesyesyesyes, okay, so we need coffee stuff for Seth Meyes, clothes for me, floppy hats for wow factor, and hairspray for self actualization,” Stefon declared in the parked car, writing illegibly on his hand. Seth turned off the engine.

The duo went to find clothes for Stefon first. There were many options up to par with the flamingo shirt, and Stefon insisted on trying on every possible purchase. Though Seth was burdened by thoughts of Alice, his spirits were significantly lifted each time Stefon appeared, outfitted, his arms thrown out in bravado. “Very nice!” Seth exclaimed repetitively. Eventually, a shirt patterned with parrots, a Pikachu t-shirt, some glittery socks, and other necessities were chosen.

Seth wanted to move on to toiletries, but Stefon insisted on the floppy hats. Stefon immediately picked out a stunning red one for himself, but vetoed Seth’s neutral selections. “You need something as beautiful as you are,” Stefon declared, picking up a lavender hat with a cheetah print scarf. “This one.”

Seth sheepishly admired his reflection in the tiny mirror. The purple was… novel. Nice. “Alright, thank you, Stefon. What kind of hairspray do you want?”

The rest of their shopping adventure was pleasant. Occasionally, Stefon would see something that sparked a memory (“Oh, I haven’t used Panteen shampoo since that time when I worked for the Olsens and someone dyed their dog green and i had to wash it over and over until it was back to normal. The experience was really traumatic.”), many of which Seth didn’t know how to respond to (“Wow, um. What kind of dog was it?”). All was well… then, in the checkout line, Seth saw a tube of blue Chapstick.

The kind she used.

Grief struck him nearly as deeply as when he’d first realized what he’d done. Despite knowing better, he gave Stefon his credit card, then said he’d meet him in the car.

His heart pounded in his chest and his eyes stung as he emerged from the cool, fluorescent lighting to the hot, humid day outside. Every step sounded like thunder in his ears, drowning out the commotion of the people entering. He found his Cadillac, fumbled with the keys, and collapsed in the driver’s seat.

It occurred to him then how horrible death is. How it is the ultimate unknown, an infinite something or the cessation of everything, permanent and thorough, more real than anything in life. Forget that it was Alice, forget that he ever loved her, forget that she hurt him. He could’ve wrestled her away, done something different, but instead, he condemned another human being, just as alive as him, to the great forever. 

He sat with his head in his hands for what felt like ages before Stefon appeared, settling in next to him with bags on his lap.   
While his face was obscured, his shaking shoulders gave his tears away to Stefon.

“Seth…,”

“I’m a monster. How could I do that?” he cried. “I… I’ve always been the one to fix things. I can't fix this!”

Stefon sighed, tentatively rubbing Seth’s shoulder. “You’re right, this can’t be fixed. But, babe, you’re not a monster. Self-defense killings aren’t even, like, illegal. But also… you deserve to feel safe and happy. You were in an impossible situation. You bring so much light into this world, and I can say with confidence you’ve saved lives, Seth, including my own. I know that doesn’t… help the pain you’re in. But you’re not evil.”  
Stefon’s words echoed in Seth’s head. He was pretty sure that raspy voice was the only thing in the world he could stand to listen to at the moment.

They sat in morose silence for a while before Seth drove them back to the hotel.

Some spring break this was.

-

As Seth unpacked the groceries, Stefon pondered over the plan for later. With the initial mess at Seth’s home cleaned up, this really ought to be simple. The biggest issue was how to get the body on the boat without drawing attention. The body was already in a duffle bag, but that in itself was suspicious. Being brash seemed like the best option; oversharing was the best way to dispel questions.

The sun was beginning to set as they greeted the elderly owner of the boating company on the dock. “Evening, fellas!” called the captain, who introduced himself as James August Jr.. As Seth produced his boating license and wrote a check for the rental, Captain August looked Stefon up and down, eyeing the duffle. “Big evening planned?”

“Oh, yes, absolutely. My husband here’s always been really into sailing, so he decided to do two of his favorite things at once. You’re more than welcome to join us, captain,” Stefon replied, grinning chaotically. August chuckled nervously, then quickly showed them to the boat and hurried away.

Stefon realized then how much he liked calling Seth his husband. 

The evening was quiet, and the ocean smooth. Seth drove the boat out the 15 miles Stefon had insisted on, then joined him on the front of the deck. Again, Seth was crying. Stefon waited for him to settle down before they lifted the bag together, then let it fall over the side, sinking into the waves.

Seth leaned against the edge, watching his wife disappear. Stefon wrapped his arm around him as the wind blew against them.

“Stefon. I may be out of line asking this, you did just totally save my ass, but… how did you know how to do all this?” Seth asked, quietly. Stefon licked his teeth, looking out at the ocean. 

He remembered that day, the first time he saw someone die, as clear as anything. “Well… when I was 10, and David was 14, some crazy fan figured out we were our dad’s kids. One night when our mom was out, performing in a disco parody of “Cats: The Musical,” the fan… broke in. 

He, um, tried to kidnap us, I guess. He brought a knife, guess you don’t need, like, guns to scare a couple kids. But David knew where our gun was. And our grandad had taught him how to cover up a scene. We lived at the beach at the time, so… that was that. It’s why he’s so protective of me.”

Stefon didn’t mention how he and David had both cried all night, how they’d had to drag the body out to the freezing cold depths of the ocean, how their mom had offered a devastated David a stupid “congratulations.” 

“Seth Meyers, David killed someone, but I’ve never thought for a second he’s anything less than a hero. The same is true for you.”

They spent the rest of the night on the water, wondering about their places in such an infinite world.

**Author's Note:**

> had to ask my friend a million questions abt ecstasy to write this


End file.
